How to: not throw up.

Alright, so you had a few too many drinks and now the floor under you is spinning. You’re starting to breath heavy, sweat and you know you have to make it to the bathroom but your drunken stagger keeps you down and your pleas for help are coming out as mumbling that no one understands. So, what do you do now? Nothing, you’re screwed. But next time, you can remember these helpful tips:

  • Drink Lots of Water – This will start to dilute the alcohol in your belly and help get you on the road to recovery. Once you feel that warm, drunken hug from your drink turn in to the violent bear-hug of regret for having that last cup, it’s about time to up your water intake. You can also try sports recovery drinks. Depending on how much you’ve drank, you’re going to become dehydrated. Refueling your body with some non-alcoholic beverages is going to prevent you from repainting the walls with your mouth.
  • Know Your Limit – Chugging back drinks is a good way to ensure that you’re going to pass out in a pile of stomach acid. Chugging back drinks that you made a lil’ too strong is going to make this happen sooner. If you start to feel the room spinning, it’s time to either sip at your drinks slower or make them weaker. It’s all fun and games until you have your head out of a car that’s going 80 miles per hour on a highway and you’re throwing up in to the wind, covering you, your hair, the entire side of the car and whoever’s unfortunate enough to follow too close behind you in dragon spit. True story.
  • Give in to Your Inner Drunger – Vacuum through your food in a way that would make Cookie Monster’s cookie eating seem tame. Not really. Eating too much too fast will likely cause you to have stomach pains and will probably make you throw up, but eating something does help. Pizza, hot dogs or burgers all work pretty well since they help absorb the alcohol in your stomach and are all fatty foods. Besides, they taste good.
  • Get Some Fresh Air – Take a step outside and breath the air. Getting outside also helps you cool down and usually separates you from the alcohol, which is a good thing at this point. Finding a spot that isn’t so noisy or hot also works. Just remember to leave your drink and take a burger.
  • Work On Your Timing – Never try to “catch up”. Playing catch up in the drinking world usually means you’re down and out sooner than you’d like to be. Also, a bad time to play a drinking game is when you’re already very drunk. Play the games that require a lot of drinking early on and save the ones that aren’t so bad for later in the night. Sure, finishing up that last round of beer pong may seem like a good idea but you’re going to kick yourself in the ass when you become a human vomit sprinkler right after the game. Besides, everyone around you will hate you. For life.

Regardless of what you do or try, sometimes it’s all just coming out. Drinking and throwing up are like sex and STD’s; the only way to really stay safe is by not doing it. But where’s the fun in that?

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