How to: get drunk without drinking.

So Thanksgiving is over and you’re just waking up from your turkey hangover. You’ve inhaled more calories then a professional  athlete and the only exercise you’ve done was with your mouth around a drumstick and your arms shoveling stuffing in to your face.  The last thing you want is more calories in your belly but you still want to enjoy your drink. Well, I’m here to help.

Snorting:
This was all the craze a few years ago since the drunkenness would set in much quicker. By snorting the alcohol, it goes directly in to the bloodstream through the nasal cavity and completely skips the liver and stomach. Not only are you skipping the empty calories but you’re saving your liver in the process! Don’t worry about the possible brain damage or alcohol poisoning, that’s not what’s important  here.

Inhalation:
It’s pretty common knowledge that you can vaporize alcohol and “smoke” it. There’s plenty of machines you can buy that’ll vaporize your alcohol for you. However, if you’re a poor-o and want to skip the $200+ machine you can pour your rum in to a pot, boil it and  hang your face over the vapors. Who cares if you burn your face off with hot alcohol fumes? Just breath…just breath.

Butt Chug:
Or alcohol enema, whatever you want to call it. This, again, was all the craze a few years ago. Kids in high school were soaking  tampons in vodka and popping them in their b-holes while they were at school. Yeah, these are the future leaders of our country.  Anyway, it works. If you’re a real man, you just pour some rum straight in to your fudge chute and make that sweet duke gravy. The poop tissue in your B.H. absorbs the alcohol extremely quickly.  So fast that your BAC can rise to .40 in less than a minute. Yeah, that’s sober to puking drunk in no time flat. I’m not even going to bother listing the cons on this one.

Eyeballing:
Alright, this one’s kind of iffy. The only people that seem to do this are already so drunk they think this is a great idea. It does follow the same concept as the above suggestions: pour alcohol on a part of your body that’s capable of absorbing liquid and you’ll eventually get drunk. You can pour your alcohol in to a little eye drop bottle or just pour it on your face. Who cares if it’ll burn like  mace and you may go blind? If your worried about your health, you’re obviously not drinking enough.

Injection:
Bring out your inner druggie and inject that rum-n-coke straight in to your body. You’ll be the awesome drunk person at the party who’s bleeding from multiple puncture wounds, slurring your speech, stumbling everywhere but doing it all with fresh breath. You’re not dedicated to the party until you’re stabbing yourself with a margarita needle. You could always fix an IV drip system in to a multi-hose contraption like some kind of crazy hookah.

Skin Absorption:
In 1991, a 1 month old infant became intoxicated as a result of absorption of ethyl alcohol from the stump of the umbilical cord and the skin adjacent to it. I’ve been told that I have a problem for having a beer at 8 in the morning. Obviously these people have never heard of the kid who decided to get drunk right after popping out of his mom’s p-hole. I don’t blame the kid. Getting evicted, slapped by some random dude the second you step outside and to top this all off you’re naked and crying. Have a drink kid, you earned it. However, don’t expect to get all that drunk if you end your day with vodka bath. Chances are you’ll get high off of the vapors first.

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